Skipping Santa

Disclaimer: Not safe for Santa-believers to read (including kids)

We're skipping Santa. I know it's a highly debatable topic. I'm OK with that. :) It seems nearly un-American to not have the jolly red fellow as part of the Christmas festivities. However, we feel for our family this is best.

Would you like to know why? Then keep reading! You don't? OK, go back to whatever you were doing. :)

• Our first reason has to do with our religious beliefs and our relationship with Jesus Christ. Don't worry, I'm not going to preach. However, if I could make a chart for you, you might see how many attributes of God we've given over to Kris Kringle. 

        Jesus/God

• Omniscient (all knowing)
• Omnipresent (everywhere at once)
• Has a list (Lamb's Book of Life)
• Give us a wonderful gift (Himself as our Savior)

    Santa

• Knows if you've been bad or good (all knowing)
• Can deliver all gifts to all children in one night. Sounds an awful lot like being everywhere at once
• Has a list of naughty vs. nice
• Gives us tons of cool stuff

And that's just a start. As a good friend of mine put it: In the eyes of a 5 year old, Santa trumps Baby Jesus every time!

I won't even get into the theological implications of what happens as a child grows up believing in this naughty and nice list and one can work their way from one to the other. Jesus said that everlasting life works completely differently.

We have come to the point where we, as a society, worship Santa much more than we worship the Christ Child. The Monkey Family kids don't hear much about Santa, so our kids talk about Jesus a lot because Christmas is His birthday.

Our second big reason for not pushing Santa on our kids has to do with the fact that Tutu and Silly are adopted. We need them to always be able to believe that we are telling them the truth about their birth parents. If Mom and Dad can lie about Santa, what are they not telling me about my birth family? We want to avoid a conversation like that at all costs.

Before you hang me up to dry, let me assure you that we will not be pushing our beliefs on others...that includes your children. We aren't going to villianize Santa. He isn't some demon (though I've heard a few sermons that tried to make me think otherwise). We will, as is age-appropriate, teach our children about the real man behind the myth. They are welcome to go sit on Santa's lap at the mall. They can write him a letter, but better give a copy to Mom or Dad...cuz Santa won't be climbing down our chimney. Santa will choose to go to other children's homes, but not ours. Mom and Dad like buying gifts, so Santa doesn't need to bring any gifts to our house.

I've yet to mention the point at which we tell our kids that Santa isn't real. You see...I'm not going to tell my kids Santa isn't real. Then my kids can't tell your kids. :)   Isn't that nice of me?   You can blame my friend, K. I stole a bunch of her ideas and added some of my own.

We are in quite a dilemma this year because Creative does still believe in Santa. His mom really pushes Santa at her house. We've side-stepped that issue with the truth: Santa will take gifts to your Mom's house, but he isn't going to leave any at our house for you this year. I'm hoping that middle school will help him not believe next year. I don't want to ruin anyone's holiday fun.

So, please don't ask my kids what Santa is bringing. It confuses them. Their gifts are on the piano, under our table-top tree, where they have been for a week. Feel free to ask about Jesus, though. They have about three around the house. :)

Difficult Decisions

Let's face it. Being a parent is NEVER easy. Being a foster parent is even less easy. Parenting three children aged 2.5 years and under is next to impossible...especially when adding in the difficulties of fostering.

This past week, Jay and I made one of the most difficult decisions we've ever made. We alerted our agency on Monday and I feel that before the Christmas holiday all legal entities will also know.

(deep breath)  We have chosen not to adopt M&M should he become available for adoption.

Please don't judge. There are a LOT of reasons. Some of them I can talk about in a public setting, some I cannot. Some are too private to tell even our closest friends.

We have agonized over this decision for three months. The moment I spoke it aloud, I knew that it was the right decision for us to continue fostering him, but not adopt him.

We love him and will miss him greatly when he leaves us. Emotions are pretty raw, please understand. 

Please join with us in praying for M&M as "the system" decides his fate.

Thanks,
  The Monkey Family

Invisible Guest

Through Adoption Day and Thanksgiving there was one person constantly on my mind. After talking with other adoptive parents, I find that this is often the case. It's almost as if there is an invisible guest present for every major life event. How we deal with this invisible guest can set our children up to fail or succeed.

Our invisible guest has a name. She has a face. She has a story. She has a huge bearing on what we do and how we do it.

She is my children's birth mom.

I knew I would think of her. I had no idea how much I would want to tell her or how often she would be on my mind. When I think of her, I say a prayer for her..that she will make good choices. That she will find Jesus Christ. That she will know how much we love her children.

I'm sad that circumstances caused her to be unable to raise these amazing children. But I will be forever thankful that she made the tough decision to do what was best for them. She, through various agents, asked me to adopt her children.

Thank you, Birth Mom. I am honored.

"Magic" Eat-Eat Juice

A discussion on Facebook made me decide to post our smoothie recipe as well as various benefits we see from drinking smoothies.

First, my kids call all drinks "juice". We have juice, water juice, eat-eat juice (smoothies), bubble juice (anything that fizzes), tummy juice (peppermint tea), and tater juice (potato soup). The MonkeyMobile even gets "go juice" (gasoline).

Two of my kiddos have a diagnosis that lands on the autism spectrum. Most children of trauma (foster care, adoption, divorce, NICU, the list is very long!) have issues with sensory integration and need help to process what is happening around them.

Because of this, we try to be a very sensory-aware family. We use sensory-processing language and teach the children about their sensory needs and how to meet them.

One of our best tools to calm the while family down during sensory overload times is Eat-Eat Juice. It works for several reasons: working to suck thick liquids through a straw causes both sides of the brain to communicate and organize the neurons, causing a calming effect; cold is an amazing sensory awakening experience and it awakes all the receptors in the mouth, causing a calming reaction for sensory-seeking kids (especially for children who bite, scream, or chew on things...might also help with breaking the pacifier habit. I haven't tried that, but the thought just came to me.); cold and sweet together typically is better received for sensory-avoiders (don't like to get dirty, don't like touch, don't have to be touched and still say "ow") and helps them tolerate new sensory experiences a little better; finally smoothies are a great way to get fruits and some veggies in your little ones who avoid them.

Because of the calming effects, we often make smoothies right before walking out the door for a long car ride. The kids don't get their Eat-Eat juice until in their car seat/booster with their belt on. It's hard to scream and fight with your siblings if your hands are occupied with the cup, your mouth is busy slurping it, and your tummy is full sweet, nutritious yummies. :-)

We choose to use local, raw honey in our smoothies to help with our seasonal allergies. It needs to be local. The closer to your home, the better. The rationale is that bees collect pollen (which causes the allergic reaction) from local flora and it's then incorporated into the honey. Raw honey isn't pasteurized, so the allergens are still present in the honey. Consuming small amounts daily causes the body to slowly build immunities and then when the allergy season hits, the body isn't sent into panic mode.

I know that last year, my entire family was miserable all fall. This year, after several months if smoothies, we still had allergy issues but they were very manageable. We gave the toddlers only about four doses of allergy medication all season as opposed to four doses a day last year.


A few tricks I've learned:
Peel, slice and freeze the bananas before using in a smoothie.
Using frozen fruit means skipping ice, so no watered-down nutrients.
Thicker is better if using for sensory issues.
Wash out cups immediately.
Blueberries/blackberries tend to stain things easily.
Raspberries/blackberries tend to have tiny seeds that stick to teeth or get stuck in spill-proof cup regulators.
Cherries tend to need more honey to have the same "sweetness".
We use vanilla yogurt because it hides the yogurt flavor for my sensory kids.
We DON'T use Greek yogurt. We can make it plenty thick with regular and find regular on sale more often. (when you go through as much ad we do...cost starts to really add up)

Recipe (in the order I toss it in my blender):

Yields about 3 16oz servings plus 2 6oz servings....enough for all non-infants in the family.

1 cup (8oz) milk
1 cup vanilla yogurt
1 cup frozen berries (strawberries, typically)
1 frozen sliced banana, breaking apart slices if needed
4-5 (to start) spinach leaves
3 Tablespoons raw, local honey

Our blender has an "ice breaker" setting which I pulse to break up frozen fruit, then I set it to "smoothie" until it's all well-blended. If the blender motor is getting hot and struggling, add a little more milk.

Pour into cups with straws and enjoy!

What do YOU put in your green smoothies?

Is it real yet?

For some reason, I don't think it's hit me that the adoption is final. We did the whole ceremony and everything today. Because it was the county's celebration of National Adoption Day, there was a carnival after the legal stuff was finished.

Honestly, I haven't slowed down in about 7 hours. Maybe that's why it hasn't hit yet?

Jay and M&M are snuggling asleep on the couch. Tutu and Silly are playing quietly in their beds. Creative is in his room doing the tween thing. I'm exhausted but don't feel I can sleep until the toddlers are at least closer to laying down.

And I'm just thinking about my feelings. We've waited so long for this day and now it's all over. It was as amazing as I thought it would be, but I think I'm still pretty numb.

I'm wondering when it will hit. Will it be the first time we visit a doctor and the nurse calls out their new names? When we turn in that last bit of paperwork? Or after M&M is adopted and CPS isn't as much of a household word any longer?

Whenever it hits, I'm pretty sure I'll be very tearful. So, if it happens to be in a public place, just hug me. :-)

It's official. I have two children. Forever.

Tumultuous Emotions

Tomorrow is the official day in which our adoption will be consummated, or finalized. I must admit that I'm experiencing myriad emotions and some of them conflicting.

Happy--my babies will legally be mine. Need any more explanation? :-)

Uncertainty--I've never parented without checklists, monthly forms, inspections, reporting every injury. I will still have to do so for M&M as he will remain a foster child for the time being. But Tutu and Silly are all mine (and Jay's).

Surrealism--I've waited so long for this day, that it's hard to believe it's finally here and this is really happening.

Inability to comprehend--I'm unable to completely process the enormity of this endeavor.

Grateful/blessed--I am grateful that God has honored my desire and answered it in a way that exceeds my expectations.

Trepidation--This is a heady responsibility that we are taking on.

Anxious--I have been counting down each day on Facebook. At some points today, I could tell you how many hours until the start of the ceremony.

And there are still many more thoughts and feelings flitting through my brain as the day wears on. I've been pretty teary as my MOPS sisters sang "Happy Adoption Day" and gave me a beautiful wreath with gifts attached. I've been giggly as people call or text to confirm when and where things are happening.

Above all, I feel loved. Loved by our families that drove for hours to witness this with us; loved by friends willing to take time out of their day to honor us. Perhaps most importantly, I feel loved by these children I am honored to call mine. I know this is not always the case with adopted children, and may not always be the case for my children. So I will accept this love while it is offered and treasure it during the hard times.

Tomorrow, a new chapter begins.

Indescribable

There are days when words just can't describe your feelings. In fact, putting things into words almost feels...sacrilegious.

Today was one of those days. This whole week, in fact, has been surreal. Here we are just doing our normal thing while the clock is ticking bringing us ever closer to our adoption day.

But in the midst of doing our normal thing, there has been a LOT of craziness. Unannounced visits from various agencies, friends announcing their plans for surprise adoption parties, thousands of pages dropped off in several three-inch-thick binders for us to read in about 30 hours, last minute meetings, signing our names hundreds of times, initialing dozens of pages--in triplicate, being told the new rules that are only in place from now until adoption day, finding and correcting errors in legal documents, asking questions of CPS to fill in holes and gaps, negotiating via phone for life-changing information, discovering amazing little tidbits I've only hoped to know...and it's all worth it.

Our entire family is waiting with baited breath for the adoption to be finalized. Gamby is coming in from out-of-state with Great Aunt D. Nana is coming from another state. Creative Monkey has only asked a dozen times if he will be able to attend the adoption (shhh...he's skipping school to attend). When we do our adoption preparation work with Tutu and Silly every day, their smiles get bigger and their little bodies burst with energy.

And I honestly wonder why I was ever jealous of my friends who can get pregnant. This is such a beautiful event. Our entire family has worked hard for this to happen. These children can't be any more "mine" if they were carried in my womb.

It makes me wonder why more people don't step out and adopt from foster care. Was it easy? Nope. Is it worth it? Look at my babies' smiles and you tell me.

I have a friend from MOPS and church who does this little thing with Silly. At first, I thought it was funny and didn't get it. W walks up to Silly and says, "Where's your mama?" or points to me and asks "Who's that?" Of course, when he's asked where his mama is, he runs as fast as his chubby little toddler legs will carry him saying, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" and hugs my leg or holds his arms up to be held. And when she asks who I am (I'm typically carrying him when she asks) he lays his head on my shoulder, smiles, and says, "Mama." I didn't get it until she said, "You really are his mama. He doesn't know anyone else." W, I think what you may have been trying to say is "by adoption or by birth, your Mama is your Mama."

One day very soon, I'll be so thrilled to be Tutu and Silly's Mama. Just Mama. Not foster-Mama. Just.

Mama!

And THAT is indescribable.

Foster Parenting is a Roller Coaster

Ok, to be fair: parenting is a roller coaster. Foster parenting just seems to have really high peaks and then the bottom drops out from underneath you and your heart is pounding and your lunch is somewhere around your Adam's apple (or where it would be if you were male).

It seems the past few weeks have been like that for us. Maybe it's just the month of October. Last year it was really up and down, too. (You can read about it here and here.) This month we've had to make some tough decisions. Decisions that I'm not allowed to talk about on a blog because we are still fostering.

We've been through a really rough spot in our marriage. You know those epic days-long arguments about nothing? No? YOU don't have those!?!? Lucky!

But, through it all God has been our Rock. We praise Him (though sometimes grudgingly) in our trials.

And today we got to praise Him through our victories. That, to be honest, were only because of Him.

If you've ever thought about being a foster parent...go for it! It's an amazing, exhilarating ride that will compare to nothing else.

If you have difficulty understanding the complete unequivocal sovereignty of the Creator...become a foster parent. God will use these hurting children to teach you more about Him than you ever thought you wanted to know.

There are 5000 children/teens in Texas alone waiting for a forever family. They aren't waiting for their BioParents' rights to be terminated or relinquished. They are ready and waiting for a home. They are orphans!

That means that if you want to become a parent, in a few months you could have child in your home who wants parents.

Is it easy? NO! But what on Earth that's worth pursuing is??

Will you please join us on this miraculous ride and become foster-adopt parents? There are hurting children waiting for YOU!

A Surprise Miracle

A year ago God gave us a miracle. It was not the miracle we expected. Though, that did occur as a happy moment as I posted here.

God gave us a different miracle. Our Tutu Monkey. The ironic thing about this little girl is that I didn't know she was exactly what I was missing. She was the piece of our family that I had no idea we needed. That is, until she came to us.

My baby girl can be my biggest headache, but also my biggest joy. She has come a long way in the year that she's lived with us. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

Someone in her life compared her "before" to a feral child and her "now" to "normal" (I hate that word). While that is not completely accurate, I do see some of what this person was saying.

Each day that I spend with my Tutu, God shows me another facet of His being. Generosity. Persistence. Unconditional Love. Caring for others. Extreme protectiveness of loved ones. Nurturing.

Each day I love on my Tutu, God shows me more about myself than I ever wanted to know. He shows me to how love, forgive, nurture, and speak softly even when very angry. James 1:19 is a constant refrain in my head.

She is a priceless treasure. I wouldn't trade anything for her. And yet, I never knew I needed her. Until...

We were giving her KPs a respite weekend. I went to get her out of her carseat and she looked up at me. With her big, beautiful eyes full of trust and wonder she said, "Mama."  My heart melted. I was a puddle. I snuggled her close and didn't let her go until she wriggled free. When the opportunity came for us to foster her as well as Silly Monkey, I jumped on it.

Baby girl, if you ever get to read this know that your Mama loves you. I may not always show it very well, but I do. I love the way you crawl in my lap and say, "You ok, Mama?" or when you hug your brothers so hard they can't breathe. I know it's only because you have so much love inside your little being that you have to get it out.

My girl that loves shopping, shoes, fashion, and bows...you are a ray of sunshine to me. I'm not that into girly girl stuff, but I'll do it for you. :) I would move Heaven and Earth to make you safe, well-adjusted, and whole. I have fought for you numerous times, and I will continue to fight as long as you need a champion.

I thank God that He knew what I didn't and gave me you a year ago. How dull life was before then.

Mama loves you. I can't wait to make you mine forever!

Diversity is Beautiful!

When I was a little girl and dreamed of my "perfect life", it looked a lot like my parents'. Meet the perfect Baptist boy when I'm 15 and he's 19. Marry soon after my 18th birthday, have our children young and enjoy life together.

All of my immediate and first generation extended family is fairly homogenous. We are mostly middle-to-upper middle class, Caucasian, Baptist (one uncle and his family is Catholic), married once (and still married) and many of them have 2 kids; one uncle broke that rule and has 4, one aunt has 3, one is my inspiration and adopted 2 from foster care plus 2 bios and 2 step, and I lost count of how many another aunt adopted from foster care; I think 3, plus 2 bios. BUT, when I was growing up there were mostly families with 2 kids and 2 adults.

I grew up with lots of people who were the same as me! Even my school population was homogenous. It's no wonder I had this Normal Rockwall-esque view of my future!

I'm so glad that God had a patchwork quilt in mind for me instead of the flannel blanket I planned for myself!

I met my husband and immediately dismissed him as spouse material because he was 1) divorced 2) had a son (my amazing stepson Creative Monkey) and 3) was a practicing Catholic. My Bible College background wouldn't allow me to conceive of a future with this guy! But God doesn't do well in the boxes we create and stuff Him into. I know that because 8 months and 5 days after meeting Jay, I married him. (it's a pretty cool story and I might share it here one day)

Then, we felt led to start a family. We got the devastating news that I'm infertile. Infertility treatments weren't even discussed. We immediately were in adoption mode. (note: adoption isn't our plan b) It was easy because we were talking of adopting anyway.

As we went through the lengthy and probing home study process, we decided were open to children of all races and ethnicities as well as a variety of diagnoses. We just wanted children...we didn't care what they looked like!

Once again, God had a much different plan than I. He gave us adorable children that look as if they could be ours biologically. The fun and funky patchwork begins in the family we adopt with them.

I wouldn't have chosen to have "aunts and uncles" for my children who barely speak English. Not because I'm biased, but because it didn't occur to me. I also wouldn't have chosen a homosexual couple to be "uncles", for the same reason. However, our relationship with these people is precious because of what we have in common: the children.

So, after a weekend of practicing my language and ESL skills, and hanging out with the uncles, I feel extremely blessed to call this amazing group of people "my family". And I'm reminded that diversity is so beautiful!

A little finance funny

Jay was talking with Silly tonight and "threatened" him with adding an item to the budget to help Silly sit in the high chair. I started cracking up! I even have a migraine and laughed, so I must have really thought it funny. Then, I immediately started making a "Top 10" modeled after The Late Show. So here goes:

Top 10 ways you know that Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover has invaded your life:

10. Your kids think "The Budget" is like Santa because if they obey, "The Budget" has fun things in store for them.

9. You threaten your kids with "The Budget" the way your parents threatened you with "the belt". ( "Sit down or I'll budget for a high chair with a 5 point harness," was said in our house tonight.)

8. Your kids fear the "Emergency Budget Committee Meeting" the way you feared, "I'll call your father." They know it means they might not get something fun, or an item they have dreaded will be added to the budget.

7. Your older kids voluntarily start cleaning in hopes you notice and add extra commissions to their chart because they are saving for a video game.

6. Instead of begging to go to Chuck E. Cheese, the kids ask how much is in the restaurant envelope and plan their preferred outing accordingly.

5. Your kids think that Dave Ramsey is the grown up version of "Simon Says" because so many conversations have the phrase "Dave says..."

4. When you ask your child to bring you an envelope to mail something, they bring the wallet with the cash envelopes instead.

3. When the clerk asks "Debit or Credit", your child shouts "Cheetah", "Debt is dumb", or "Cash is king!" at her.

2. Your two year old can recite the entire intro to the Dave Ramsey Show. (And now from Financial Peace Plaza, it's the Dave Ramsey Show. Where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host and this is your show, America. )

1. When you hear "Baker Street" at the grocery store, your toddlers start saying "It's Uncle Dave, Mama!"

All joking aside, I highly recommend attending some sort of financial literacy class with your spouse/partner. Jay and I have never had a fight about money because we have attended FPU together several times. We have a basic outline as provided by Dave Ramsey in both FPU (Financial Peace University) and The Total Money Makeover, and when we don't see eye-to-eye, that's our default.

To my TMMO friends, I hope you got a giggle!

What do YOUR kids say to you that makes you laugh?

The Name Game

To change or not to change?

For many adoptive parents that is the question. I know it's been a hot topic around here for a while.

When parents adopt from foster care, the children already come with names. Some of the monikers are cute; some are doozies.

There are many reasons to change a child's name:
•Change of identity for safety of the child (kidnapping threat, threat of violence from BPs, hostile BioFamily)
•Their birth-name is socially inappropriate (I've known children named for restaurants, fountain drinks, motorcycles, and female body parts).
•The child is old enough to choose a new name.

There are equally good reasons NOT to change the name:
•The name has cultural significance.
•The child is old enough to choose to keep the name.
•The adoptive family will stay in close contact with part of the BioFamily and wishes to honor that connection.

In some cultures, changing one's name has a huge significance. In Catholicism, one chooses the name of a saint for confirmation.

Name changing is Biblical as well. Abram became Abraham; Sarai became Sarah; Naomi, Mara because she became bitter; Jesus changed Levi's name to Matthew; Saul changed his name after that fateful encounter on the road to Damascus, so we now know him as Paul. Moses was given his name by the daughter of Pharoah, his adopted mom.

And that last example hits closest to home. We are choosing to change the name of the children we are adopting. We have many, many reasons. Some of which are entirely too personal to share on a blog.

Some of you love us enough to respect our choice and are helping the children adjust to their new names. Thank you.

Some of you will have trouble adjusting. We will honor that and give you time.

Some of you disagree with our choice.
You are entitled to your opinion.


To put it bluntly, whether you disagree or have difficulty adjusting, the fact that our children's names will legally be different than they are right now is not going away. We are changing their names. Your opinions have been weighed; your complaints noted. However, at the end of the day: MY name is going on their birth certificates in the blank for "mother", not yours.

Please choose to respect us by calling the children by their adopted names after adoption.

Thank you,
A mom VERY weary of defending the choice every mother gets to make.

Whatever State...

The Apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church that he had learned to be quite content whatever his circumstances, some versions phrase it "whatever state I'm in I've learned to be content."

Wow! I wish I could learn that. Lately my state has been one of continual overwhelm. I mean, I was the mom who showed up at mom club without diapers for two of my kids. And the mom who had to scrounge for money to pay for dinner at Chick-Fil-A Family Night because somehow the wallet was left at home...in the diaper bag on the dining room table. (Thanks to M from MOPS for the diapers, they came in handy tonight!!) That mom who lets her toddlers play with plastic bowls in the cabinet because it means she can cook dinner without screaming? Me! And the one who forgets who has which appointment on which day and drives for an hour to find out the appointment was rescheduled? Not me. :-)

My point is that I am beyond stressed out. I have been a very grumpy mama and today all three little Monkeys were crying, so I joined them. There was little else I could do. I prayed for calm and quiet, sang sweet songs, then happy songs...to no avail. I was exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

Then I'm sure you can guess what came next: negative self-talk, guilt for not being able to handle the life God has given me, loathing of my "weakness", pity, the list can go on and on.

As I had the brilliant idea of writing to process my overwhelm, God hit me with verse I referenced above. That got me thinking, "umm God how can I be content when I'm so stressed? I'm grateful for these children but couldn't You have made them automatons that obey the first time? I'm just tired and all they do is fight and scream!" (I'm sure you talk to Him the same way, right?)

Just as I was in the midst of an epic pity party with the main attraction a "blame-God-a-thon", I wondered why I was stressed. Don't I help out the moms who can't get their tired toddler in a stroller? Or let a friend borrow a phone to text her husband that hers is at home? If I can extend them grace, why not have some for myself? Why is perfection expected in me, but lack of perfection is completely acceptable in another mom?

I realized I was evaluating my being a "good mom" against what I thought a good mom should be (perfect), not what God wants for me and definitely not based on my strengths and abilities.

Can a "good mom" occasionally forget things and be stressed out? Can a "good mom" make a mistake or a bad choice? I say "Yes"!

So my definition of "good mom" has to change. What would define a good mom? Her children are fed, clothed, not filthy. A good mom teaches boundaries even when the lessons don't stick. She loves on her children through everything and her kids know they can come to her for hugs.

As I was reevaluating my definition of  a good mom, I wondered if my definition of content was wrong as well. What do you picture when you think of content? I imagine a newborn who has a fresh diaper, has been fed and burped and is sleeping peacefully.

For a baby, that is contentment. But what about for me? I'm not a baby. I'm a mom of four monkeys, with a husband, and a blog. Blissful slumber is rare around here. Sleep is nearly extinct.

Thinking on all the Apostle Paul has lived through, and all I'm living through; then comparing his contentment with my image of content made me realize that I'm pretty sure my view of content is wrong. I don't see Paul just sleeping away while in jail; he praised God. Time after time, Paul looked at his situation and found a way to praise God no matter the circumstances.

Maybe content isn't the lack of stress. Maybe content is the presence of trust in God and choosing to be the best mom I can be no matter the circumstances. Maybe contentment is just another form of praising, worshiping and trusting God.

What do you think?

Life Happens!

So sorry that I didn't post this past week. It's been one of those weeks where you are glad you can't go back in time and relive.

Some good things happened, but mostly it was a lot of craziness. The stomach flu hit us again, so I'll return to posting in a few days!

Sunni

Emmanuel--God With Us

Warning: grab some tissues and come back. This post is a tough one to write and might be tough to read.

A year ago I was asked to do one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life.

Wait, I should probably back up a bit.

In the spring of last year we attended foster parent training. Several times before we got our license we were called about different children who needed a home and us possibly providing a home for them. None of those worked out. Finally, we were licensed. Then the phone calls really started!

Will you take a child X months/years old with X diagnosis?
Yes!
Ok, I'll let you know.

5 minutes later.
*ring* I'm sorry, that child was placed elsewhere.

A few days pass.
*ring* Will you take a child X years old? Exposed to X?
Yes!
Ok. Talk to you later.

10 minutes pass.
Sorry that child was taken.

A few days later:
Will you take a child X days old?
Yes!
Ok. You know the drill.

We never got a follow up call. I waited for 2 hours, then started calling my support network. "They haven't called to say the baby was taken. I think we might be getting this one!" I sent Jay a text teasing him that we would get a placement on the one day of the month he was out of town for training.

Three hours and a few minutes after the first call, I had a tiny baby boy in my arms. I quickly handed him over to my support friend K, and started signing my life away. I promise: selling a house requires less paperwork! I signed form after form after form, all in triplicate. One set for me; one for our agency; one for CPS. Then, there were the separate forms for our agency and CPS didn't need a copy of those, so they were only in doubles. Then the detailed account of what the child brought with him to the foster home. An hour after CPS showed up on my step with the baby, they all left; I was a mom for the first time. What a heady experience.

That first night I remember calling my mom and asking why the baby might be crying. We had all those follow up appointments that a mom with a newborn has. People everywhere had lots of questions and I had no answers.

We were told that this baby had older siblings in care (meaning in a different foster home) and that the other FPs were deciding if they could handle an additional child. We were warned that we might not get to keep him long. We were ok with that. God asked us to give this child a home and we were willing to do that for however long he needed one.

A week turned into two. Then three. Then a month. Then two. The other FPs didn't want feel they could care for the new baby because of the other children in their home. We started settling in for the long haul.

The phone rings. It's our caseworker with CPS. It's her usual weekly call, so I'm not concerned. Then she tosses out, "Oh and you knew that a kinship placement has come forward? We think the baby might move there."

I could have collapsed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The world was still spinning. I would be ok. For the next few weeks, I bawled as I fed that baby. I would sing his favorite songs sweetly and whisper in a tear-choked voice, "Don't forget us. Don't forget we will always love you."

I knew his leaving was a possibility. We had signed on with an agency that fully supports reunification (re-uniting with BPs) above everything else. If reunification isn't possible, then we support a Kinship Placement. Last, and only as a final result, do we adopt as FPs.

But it hurt! This was *my* baby. I had been through so much with him!

I breathed deeply. I gave him back to God. I trusted.

Then the day came. We were afforded the rare opportunity to actually drive the baby to his new home. I sat on the Kinship Parent's couch, fed him a bottle, sang one last lullaby, rocked him to sleep, got in the car, and drove away.  My heart broke into a million pieces. I walked around our house and it felt empty. I put away all the baby gear except his bed. Then, I took a nap.

The next couple of days were a blur. I remember asking God to help me; to hold me up. I asked God for people like Moses had who would hold up my arms because I didn't have the strength. Instead, God whispered sweetly to my soul. He soothed my pain, washed away my questions.

He did the impossible: He prepared my heart for a new child. Not 48 hours after I gave up "my" baby,  I was excited about the possibility of what our new foster child would be like. Would we get a little girl this time? What race would the child be? How old? What color hair? What quirks?

Sunday morning I ran to my friend K and said, "Is it weird that I'm so excited about what child God will let us love next?" She said with teary eyes, " I was walking through the baby section yesterday and seeing all those cute toys and thought that Sunni needs a little girl about 18 months old because these toys are so cute!"

I would love to end the story there (as this post is already long), but I can't.

Jay and I had decided that we needed a 2 week break to reconnect as a couple and to really love on Creative Monkey. Jay also had business that took us to a tourist town in our state. We used that time to relax. While we were on our mini-working vacation we got a call from our CPS worker about a child that needed a home. We couldn't take that child because we were out of town and the child needed something that night.

I have never been more glad that I couldn't take a child than I was when the phone rang about a week later. (Notice how much the phone ringing changes my life? Please don't be upset if I say "I have to take this call." It really might be a life-changing call!) It was the baby's "Kinship Mom". She was having difficulty with a few things. I talked with her for several hours that day. Then, I called our agency and got some advice. The result of that call was that we got to babysit the baby and his big sister for the weekend to give the Kinship Placement a break.

Four days later, Silly Monkey and his big sister Tutu Monkey were back in our home...for good. We legally became their foster parents 21 days after I gave "my baby" up.

God's plan is bigger than our own. I truly learned about the sovereignty of God that month. If you walk away saying "that's a sweet story", you miss the bigger picture. God used that pain to bring about something so beautiful I can't even describe it. He taught me, a Bible College graduate, what it TRULY means to "trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't trust your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5, paraphrased) God is absolutely in control. He will sustain you! That is why one of His many names is

Emmanuel, meaning God with us!

Meet the Foster World Cast

I have so many amazing things I would love to share with all of you, but I don't really want to have to explain acronyms in every single post. Nor do I want to get side-tracked explaining each facet of the system. My solution? This post and a couple more that explain things that non-fostering people might not know.

Today I will introduce you to an entire cast of "characters" (some are actually organizations) who play a vital part in every step of the fostering and adoption process. I will do my best to explain each cast member's role (as I understand it) and use adoption friendly language, as well.

Foster child- a child (or children) who has been removed from their living environment for their own safety. This child can be moved to live in a kinship placement, foster home, group home, or shelter. Where the foster child is moved to is often called a "placement". Sometimes the children themselves are called "placements". The actual legal process of moving a child is called "placing" a child in a new home.

Biological Parents/ Birth Parents/ Bio-parents- the man and woman who conceived and bore a child (or children). When referred to in  fostering lingo, they have made bad choices and had their children removed from the home. They still retain their legal rights as a parent--but in a very limited and supervised way. When it is safe for the child(ren), they get supervised visits. BPs are consulted concerning elective procedures, hair cuts, and many other decisions. Ultimately (before parental rights are terminated or relinquished) they are still the parent. After adoption, BPs are still referred to as such, though they no longer have any parental rights.

DFPS and CPS- In our state, Division of Family and Protective Services works to keep the children safe. They have many departments. We work very closely with one particular department called CPS (Child Protective Services). CPS can be further divided:
     Investigators- these are the people who go out to the home to evaluate the situation and investigate allegations of neglect and/or abuse. They take their findings to a judge who decides what to do from there. If a judge deems it necessary, investigators, often accompanied by law enforcement officers, will remove the child(ren) from the home.
     Caseworkers- after a family enters "the system", a caseworker will work with the BPs to meet their action plan, supervise visits, and consult on elective decisions concerning the children. Caseworkers also check to make sure the foster child is safe, being cared for, and getting what s/he needs.
There are too many facets of CPS to explain them all here. I've only listed the two that we deal with regularly.

CASA- CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. Many CASA personnel are volunteers. Their role is to look at all the possibilities for the child and recommend to the court which is in the best interest for the child.CASA will come into the foster home to check on the children and sometimes attend important medical appointments. CASA will also go into the BPs' home to talk with them about the situation and check on how the BPs are progressing toward making the home safe for the children to return.

GAL- A Guardian Ad Litem is often appointed to foster children. The GAL's responsibility is much like CASA's. The GAL is appointed by the court. In our county, most GALs are CASA representatives.

Attorney- Each foster child has an attorney that represents him/her and his interests in court.

Court- Judges who make decisions affecting the foster child. Also, any court appointments in front of said judge.

Agency- In our state, CPS does not license foster homes. Instead, they work in conjunction with private agencies to screen, train, license, and keep foster homes on their toes. A foster home's agency is their only ally in this long list of organizations involved in the case. While the agency really wants what is best for the children as well, their primary goal is to make sure the foster home is in compliance with all the laws and rules and that the foster parents have all the support they need.

Kinship Placement- A family member, friend, or other person close to the child or BPs that will voluntarily take a child into their home. Kinship homes can be a teacher, coach, scout leader, friend, neighbor, Sunday School teacher.

Foster Home/Foster Family- This is a home and family who have been trained in how to deal with all the "characters" in this list, and how to deal with the trauma and behaviors of the children. They are unrelated to the children or BP (in most cases) and typically foster because they love children. Foster Parents are required to live by a long list of rules that typical parents find hard to understand. They must keep their home ready to be viewed by any of the above agencies (with exception to Kinship Placements). Jay says that being a FP is like running a small business because of the sheer number of appointments to schedule and paperwork to fill out.

I think that is all. If I am reminded of anything else, I'll edit the list. :) 

Foster Mom, not SuperMom

I've noticed we moms pile a ton of stuff on our plates that no one else expects of us. Our husbands don't expect it. Our kids don't expect it. Our girlfriends even think we are a tiny bit insane. However, we just keep pushing and striving to finish all those items on a to do list that is way too big in the first place.

For me, it's about being able to see that little checkmark in the box. Without that list, I turn into a lump. For others, it's perfectionism that drives their family crazy. For some moms it might be a remnant of the career life, or college life, or just unrealistic expectations.

I think that's what it all boils down to: expectations. I've learned in my marriage that most hurt feelings are because of unrealized expectations. Whether realistic or unrealistic, expectations that aren't met hurt. And when I hurt, I often harm my children's feelings or my husband's feelings.

So in the interest of our families ladies, let's examine our expectations. I check in with Jay often to see if I'm being too hard on myself or setting expectations too high. I check in with mom friends on how much they do. But most importantly, I do a self-check. I sit still and ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts concerning my self-talk and expectations. Many times when I'm grumpy and blue, He whispers words of wisdom or insight that I've never experienced before. Often He comforts me with verses I've memorized.

Ladies, we do NOT have to be SuperMom!!! Our children can't enjoy us when we are grumpy and exhausted from completing our to do list! Stop. Take a breath. Relax in knowing that the MOST important thing you can and should do today is love on your children. They are our gift from God! To neglect them is to neglect God Himself. Don't believe me? Check out Matthew 25 around verse 35.

As a foster mom, I have a few more obligations (read paperwork, appointments, and inspections) than a typical mom. Even so, I work very hard to keep my expectations real and relevant.

Do you have expectations that are too high? Too low? Are you too hard on yourself and your entire family suffers?

Questions, Questions

When people see our little family, a lot of questions arise.
What are their names?
How old are they?
Are they twins? (this is typically asked about Tutu Monkey and Silly Monkey because they are close in size)
How do you do it?


Or comments are made:
Boy, you have your hands full!
I bet they keep you on your toes.
Creative Monkey is such a good big brother! He works so well with his little brothers and sister.
Oh! You have such great kids.


When they find we are a foster family, even more questions are raised:
Did she not want them?
How could she not want her kids?
Is she (looking around and whispering) on drugs?
Didn't she fight for them?
How could she give them up?

More comments are made.
(I will refrain from posting them because they are not polite and not worth repeating.)

Let me say that ALL moms, whether biomoms, foster moms, or adoptive moms, LOVE to brag on their kids. They love to have people notice and ooh and ah over their children. They love to see the smiles as their gaggle makes their way through the mall. I'm adjusting to drawing attention with our crew. I mean, it takes a double stroller and a separate stroller to get through the mall, plus CM is generally pushing a stroller and Jay or I are holding the kid who doesn't want to be in the stroller. So, I would probably stare, too (especially when the kids are as stinkin' cute as mine are!).

However, there are just some questions and thoughts that are not welcome. Some are absolutely inappropriate no matter the relationship. Some are downright rude or mean. Most are disrespectful.

We (Jay and I) attempt to live our lives with respect and courtesy to all those around us. We've had to draw some pretty firm boundaries on relationships that refuse to respect us or our way of parenting. It hurts and it's hard. However, when someone grills me about my children's bio-parents' mistakes, it makes the Mama Bear rage!

I do NOT want my children having to live down the fact that their bio-parents made mistakes and bad choices. I want to honor their bio-parents in every way. Does that mean I sugar coat things? No! However, there are respectful ways to relay information. Also, we are finding that adoptive parents who handle the bio-parents story with respect and dignity don't have those "made for TV movie"-type blowups. There are fewer hurt feelings.


The Bible tells us to honor our mother and father that our days may be long on the Earth. We are choosing to honor not only our bio-mom and dad, but also the bio-parents of our children. We want to always treat these wonderful creations of God with love, respect, and dignity. Because without them, we would not have our little miracles. My heart went in two completely opposite directions the day I found out we were one step closer to adopting; it soared because my prayers were being answered; it broke because bio-mom's heart was breaking. She and I are forever linked because of these amazing children.

So please, please I beg you, respect me and my children by treating their bio-parents with respect.

Meet the Fam

Here is a introduction to our little family:

Sunni (pronounced like sunny)- That's me and I'm the mama in this house. :)  I'm a stay-at-home mom who loves my monkeys.

Jay- He's my amazing and magnificent husband. He works more than full time to support us, then comes home and works full-time helping me keep the house in running order.

Creative Monkey-He's our oldest and my husband's biological child from a previous marriage. That means I get the honor of being his stepmom. He's a really cool kid who likes to make up his own games and is currently in a comic book creation phase. We read/watch lots of Garfield and other classic comics.
  
Tutu Monkey-She's our only girl and our oldest foster child. She also is God's special gift to me. :)

Silly Monkey-He's our middle foster child, our first-ever foster child, and he is very silly.

Mini Monkey- He's our youngest foster child.

Yes, we have four children and we get quite a few looks while out and about. :)

Welcome!

Welcome as I attempt to start a blog.


I am Sunni, a Mama of Many Monkeys. :)   I call the children who live in my home monkeys for many reasons:
 1) It's easier than explaining how each child is "mine"
 2) They act like monkeys; so why not?
 3) They like monkeys.
 4)  Monkeys are fun!

We are family that God has brought together in a way different from most families. I am blessed with a stepson from my husband's first marriage. We are a foster family and moving toward adoption for some of the children we foster.

Since we are an active foster family, I am very limited with what I can share about the kids and can never call them by name on the blog. Also to protect our family's identity, I will use "Blog Names" for all of us. Feel free to leave comments, but if you know us in person, please respect our safety by using our Blog Names.

Thanks!