Indescribable

There are days when words just can't describe your feelings. In fact, putting things into words almost feels...sacrilegious.

Today was one of those days. This whole week, in fact, has been surreal. Here we are just doing our normal thing while the clock is ticking bringing us ever closer to our adoption day.

But in the midst of doing our normal thing, there has been a LOT of craziness. Unannounced visits from various agencies, friends announcing their plans for surprise adoption parties, thousands of pages dropped off in several three-inch-thick binders for us to read in about 30 hours, last minute meetings, signing our names hundreds of times, initialing dozens of pages--in triplicate, being told the new rules that are only in place from now until adoption day, finding and correcting errors in legal documents, asking questions of CPS to fill in holes and gaps, negotiating via phone for life-changing information, discovering amazing little tidbits I've only hoped to know...and it's all worth it.

Our entire family is waiting with baited breath for the adoption to be finalized. Gamby is coming in from out-of-state with Great Aunt D. Nana is coming from another state. Creative Monkey has only asked a dozen times if he will be able to attend the adoption (shhh...he's skipping school to attend). When we do our adoption preparation work with Tutu and Silly every day, their smiles get bigger and their little bodies burst with energy.

And I honestly wonder why I was ever jealous of my friends who can get pregnant. This is such a beautiful event. Our entire family has worked hard for this to happen. These children can't be any more "mine" if they were carried in my womb.

It makes me wonder why more people don't step out and adopt from foster care. Was it easy? Nope. Is it worth it? Look at my babies' smiles and you tell me.

I have a friend from MOPS and church who does this little thing with Silly. At first, I thought it was funny and didn't get it. W walks up to Silly and says, "Where's your mama?" or points to me and asks "Who's that?" Of course, when he's asked where his mama is, he runs as fast as his chubby little toddler legs will carry him saying, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" and hugs my leg or holds his arms up to be held. And when she asks who I am (I'm typically carrying him when she asks) he lays his head on my shoulder, smiles, and says, "Mama." I didn't get it until she said, "You really are his mama. He doesn't know anyone else." W, I think what you may have been trying to say is "by adoption or by birth, your Mama is your Mama."

One day very soon, I'll be so thrilled to be Tutu and Silly's Mama. Just Mama. Not foster-Mama. Just.

Mama!

And THAT is indescribable.

Foster Parenting is a Roller Coaster

Ok, to be fair: parenting is a roller coaster. Foster parenting just seems to have really high peaks and then the bottom drops out from underneath you and your heart is pounding and your lunch is somewhere around your Adam's apple (or where it would be if you were male).

It seems the past few weeks have been like that for us. Maybe it's just the month of October. Last year it was really up and down, too. (You can read about it here and here.) This month we've had to make some tough decisions. Decisions that I'm not allowed to talk about on a blog because we are still fostering.

We've been through a really rough spot in our marriage. You know those epic days-long arguments about nothing? No? YOU don't have those!?!? Lucky!

But, through it all God has been our Rock. We praise Him (though sometimes grudgingly) in our trials.

And today we got to praise Him through our victories. That, to be honest, were only because of Him.

If you've ever thought about being a foster parent...go for it! It's an amazing, exhilarating ride that will compare to nothing else.

If you have difficulty understanding the complete unequivocal sovereignty of the Creator...become a foster parent. God will use these hurting children to teach you more about Him than you ever thought you wanted to know.

There are 5000 children/teens in Texas alone waiting for a forever family. They aren't waiting for their BioParents' rights to be terminated or relinquished. They are ready and waiting for a home. They are orphans!

That means that if you want to become a parent, in a few months you could have child in your home who wants parents.

Is it easy? NO! But what on Earth that's worth pursuing is??

Will you please join us on this miraculous ride and become foster-adopt parents? There are hurting children waiting for YOU!

A Surprise Miracle

A year ago God gave us a miracle. It was not the miracle we expected. Though, that did occur as a happy moment as I posted here.

God gave us a different miracle. Our Tutu Monkey. The ironic thing about this little girl is that I didn't know she was exactly what I was missing. She was the piece of our family that I had no idea we needed. That is, until she came to us.

My baby girl can be my biggest headache, but also my biggest joy. She has come a long way in the year that she's lived with us. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

Someone in her life compared her "before" to a feral child and her "now" to "normal" (I hate that word). While that is not completely accurate, I do see some of what this person was saying.

Each day that I spend with my Tutu, God shows me another facet of His being. Generosity. Persistence. Unconditional Love. Caring for others. Extreme protectiveness of loved ones. Nurturing.

Each day I love on my Tutu, God shows me more about myself than I ever wanted to know. He shows me to how love, forgive, nurture, and speak softly even when very angry. James 1:19 is a constant refrain in my head.

She is a priceless treasure. I wouldn't trade anything for her. And yet, I never knew I needed her. Until...

We were giving her KPs a respite weekend. I went to get her out of her carseat and she looked up at me. With her big, beautiful eyes full of trust and wonder she said, "Mama."  My heart melted. I was a puddle. I snuggled her close and didn't let her go until she wriggled free. When the opportunity came for us to foster her as well as Silly Monkey, I jumped on it.

Baby girl, if you ever get to read this know that your Mama loves you. I may not always show it very well, but I do. I love the way you crawl in my lap and say, "You ok, Mama?" or when you hug your brothers so hard they can't breathe. I know it's only because you have so much love inside your little being that you have to get it out.

My girl that loves shopping, shoes, fashion, and bows...you are a ray of sunshine to me. I'm not that into girly girl stuff, but I'll do it for you. :) I would move Heaven and Earth to make you safe, well-adjusted, and whole. I have fought for you numerous times, and I will continue to fight as long as you need a champion.

I thank God that He knew what I didn't and gave me you a year ago. How dull life was before then.

Mama loves you. I can't wait to make you mine forever!

Diversity is Beautiful!

When I was a little girl and dreamed of my "perfect life", it looked a lot like my parents'. Meet the perfect Baptist boy when I'm 15 and he's 19. Marry soon after my 18th birthday, have our children young and enjoy life together.

All of my immediate and first generation extended family is fairly homogenous. We are mostly middle-to-upper middle class, Caucasian, Baptist (one uncle and his family is Catholic), married once (and still married) and many of them have 2 kids; one uncle broke that rule and has 4, one aunt has 3, one is my inspiration and adopted 2 from foster care plus 2 bios and 2 step, and I lost count of how many another aunt adopted from foster care; I think 3, plus 2 bios. BUT, when I was growing up there were mostly families with 2 kids and 2 adults.

I grew up with lots of people who were the same as me! Even my school population was homogenous. It's no wonder I had this Normal Rockwall-esque view of my future!

I'm so glad that God had a patchwork quilt in mind for me instead of the flannel blanket I planned for myself!

I met my husband and immediately dismissed him as spouse material because he was 1) divorced 2) had a son (my amazing stepson Creative Monkey) and 3) was a practicing Catholic. My Bible College background wouldn't allow me to conceive of a future with this guy! But God doesn't do well in the boxes we create and stuff Him into. I know that because 8 months and 5 days after meeting Jay, I married him. (it's a pretty cool story and I might share it here one day)

Then, we felt led to start a family. We got the devastating news that I'm infertile. Infertility treatments weren't even discussed. We immediately were in adoption mode. (note: adoption isn't our plan b) It was easy because we were talking of adopting anyway.

As we went through the lengthy and probing home study process, we decided were open to children of all races and ethnicities as well as a variety of diagnoses. We just wanted children...we didn't care what they looked like!

Once again, God had a much different plan than I. He gave us adorable children that look as if they could be ours biologically. The fun and funky patchwork begins in the family we adopt with them.

I wouldn't have chosen to have "aunts and uncles" for my children who barely speak English. Not because I'm biased, but because it didn't occur to me. I also wouldn't have chosen a homosexual couple to be "uncles", for the same reason. However, our relationship with these people is precious because of what we have in common: the children.

So, after a weekend of practicing my language and ESL skills, and hanging out with the uncles, I feel extremely blessed to call this amazing group of people "my family". And I'm reminded that diversity is so beautiful!

A little finance funny

Jay was talking with Silly tonight and "threatened" him with adding an item to the budget to help Silly sit in the high chair. I started cracking up! I even have a migraine and laughed, so I must have really thought it funny. Then, I immediately started making a "Top 10" modeled after The Late Show. So here goes:

Top 10 ways you know that Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover has invaded your life:

10. Your kids think "The Budget" is like Santa because if they obey, "The Budget" has fun things in store for them.

9. You threaten your kids with "The Budget" the way your parents threatened you with "the belt". ( "Sit down or I'll budget for a high chair with a 5 point harness," was said in our house tonight.)

8. Your kids fear the "Emergency Budget Committee Meeting" the way you feared, "I'll call your father." They know it means they might not get something fun, or an item they have dreaded will be added to the budget.

7. Your older kids voluntarily start cleaning in hopes you notice and add extra commissions to their chart because they are saving for a video game.

6. Instead of begging to go to Chuck E. Cheese, the kids ask how much is in the restaurant envelope and plan their preferred outing accordingly.

5. Your kids think that Dave Ramsey is the grown up version of "Simon Says" because so many conversations have the phrase "Dave says..."

4. When you ask your child to bring you an envelope to mail something, they bring the wallet with the cash envelopes instead.

3. When the clerk asks "Debit or Credit", your child shouts "Cheetah", "Debt is dumb", or "Cash is king!" at her.

2. Your two year old can recite the entire intro to the Dave Ramsey Show. (And now from Financial Peace Plaza, it's the Dave Ramsey Show. Where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host and this is your show, America. )

1. When you hear "Baker Street" at the grocery store, your toddlers start saying "It's Uncle Dave, Mama!"

All joking aside, I highly recommend attending some sort of financial literacy class with your spouse/partner. Jay and I have never had a fight about money because we have attended FPU together several times. We have a basic outline as provided by Dave Ramsey in both FPU (Financial Peace University) and The Total Money Makeover, and when we don't see eye-to-eye, that's our default.

To my TMMO friends, I hope you got a giggle!

What do YOUR kids say to you that makes you laugh?

The Name Game

To change or not to change?

For many adoptive parents that is the question. I know it's been a hot topic around here for a while.

When parents adopt from foster care, the children already come with names. Some of the monikers are cute; some are doozies.

There are many reasons to change a child's name:
•Change of identity for safety of the child (kidnapping threat, threat of violence from BPs, hostile BioFamily)
•Their birth-name is socially inappropriate (I've known children named for restaurants, fountain drinks, motorcycles, and female body parts).
•The child is old enough to choose a new name.

There are equally good reasons NOT to change the name:
•The name has cultural significance.
•The child is old enough to choose to keep the name.
•The adoptive family will stay in close contact with part of the BioFamily and wishes to honor that connection.

In some cultures, changing one's name has a huge significance. In Catholicism, one chooses the name of a saint for confirmation.

Name changing is Biblical as well. Abram became Abraham; Sarai became Sarah; Naomi, Mara because she became bitter; Jesus changed Levi's name to Matthew; Saul changed his name after that fateful encounter on the road to Damascus, so we now know him as Paul. Moses was given his name by the daughter of Pharoah, his adopted mom.

And that last example hits closest to home. We are choosing to change the name of the children we are adopting. We have many, many reasons. Some of which are entirely too personal to share on a blog.

Some of you love us enough to respect our choice and are helping the children adjust to their new names. Thank you.

Some of you will have trouble adjusting. We will honor that and give you time.

Some of you disagree with our choice.
You are entitled to your opinion.


To put it bluntly, whether you disagree or have difficulty adjusting, the fact that our children's names will legally be different than they are right now is not going away. We are changing their names. Your opinions have been weighed; your complaints noted. However, at the end of the day: MY name is going on their birth certificates in the blank for "mother", not yours.

Please choose to respect us by calling the children by their adopted names after adoption.

Thank you,
A mom VERY weary of defending the choice every mother gets to make.

Whatever State...

The Apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church that he had learned to be quite content whatever his circumstances, some versions phrase it "whatever state I'm in I've learned to be content."

Wow! I wish I could learn that. Lately my state has been one of continual overwhelm. I mean, I was the mom who showed up at mom club without diapers for two of my kids. And the mom who had to scrounge for money to pay for dinner at Chick-Fil-A Family Night because somehow the wallet was left at home...in the diaper bag on the dining room table. (Thanks to M from MOPS for the diapers, they came in handy tonight!!) That mom who lets her toddlers play with plastic bowls in the cabinet because it means she can cook dinner without screaming? Me! And the one who forgets who has which appointment on which day and drives for an hour to find out the appointment was rescheduled? Not me. :-)

My point is that I am beyond stressed out. I have been a very grumpy mama and today all three little Monkeys were crying, so I joined them. There was little else I could do. I prayed for calm and quiet, sang sweet songs, then happy songs...to no avail. I was exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

Then I'm sure you can guess what came next: negative self-talk, guilt for not being able to handle the life God has given me, loathing of my "weakness", pity, the list can go on and on.

As I had the brilliant idea of writing to process my overwhelm, God hit me with verse I referenced above. That got me thinking, "umm God how can I be content when I'm so stressed? I'm grateful for these children but couldn't You have made them automatons that obey the first time? I'm just tired and all they do is fight and scream!" (I'm sure you talk to Him the same way, right?)

Just as I was in the midst of an epic pity party with the main attraction a "blame-God-a-thon", I wondered why I was stressed. Don't I help out the moms who can't get their tired toddler in a stroller? Or let a friend borrow a phone to text her husband that hers is at home? If I can extend them grace, why not have some for myself? Why is perfection expected in me, but lack of perfection is completely acceptable in another mom?

I realized I was evaluating my being a "good mom" against what I thought a good mom should be (perfect), not what God wants for me and definitely not based on my strengths and abilities.

Can a "good mom" occasionally forget things and be stressed out? Can a "good mom" make a mistake or a bad choice? I say "Yes"!

So my definition of "good mom" has to change. What would define a good mom? Her children are fed, clothed, not filthy. A good mom teaches boundaries even when the lessons don't stick. She loves on her children through everything and her kids know they can come to her for hugs.

As I was reevaluating my definition of  a good mom, I wondered if my definition of content was wrong as well. What do you picture when you think of content? I imagine a newborn who has a fresh diaper, has been fed and burped and is sleeping peacefully.

For a baby, that is contentment. But what about for me? I'm not a baby. I'm a mom of four monkeys, with a husband, and a blog. Blissful slumber is rare around here. Sleep is nearly extinct.

Thinking on all the Apostle Paul has lived through, and all I'm living through; then comparing his contentment with my image of content made me realize that I'm pretty sure my view of content is wrong. I don't see Paul just sleeping away while in jail; he praised God. Time after time, Paul looked at his situation and found a way to praise God no matter the circumstances.

Maybe content isn't the lack of stress. Maybe content is the presence of trust in God and choosing to be the best mom I can be no matter the circumstances. Maybe contentment is just another form of praising, worshiping and trusting God.

What do you think?

Life Happens!

So sorry that I didn't post this past week. It's been one of those weeks where you are glad you can't go back in time and relive.

Some good things happened, but mostly it was a lot of craziness. The stomach flu hit us again, so I'll return to posting in a few days!

Sunni

Emmanuel--God With Us

Warning: grab some tissues and come back. This post is a tough one to write and might be tough to read.

A year ago I was asked to do one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life.

Wait, I should probably back up a bit.

In the spring of last year we attended foster parent training. Several times before we got our license we were called about different children who needed a home and us possibly providing a home for them. None of those worked out. Finally, we were licensed. Then the phone calls really started!

Will you take a child X months/years old with X diagnosis?
Yes!
Ok, I'll let you know.

5 minutes later.
*ring* I'm sorry, that child was placed elsewhere.

A few days pass.
*ring* Will you take a child X years old? Exposed to X?
Yes!
Ok. Talk to you later.

10 minutes pass.
Sorry that child was taken.

A few days later:
Will you take a child X days old?
Yes!
Ok. You know the drill.

We never got a follow up call. I waited for 2 hours, then started calling my support network. "They haven't called to say the baby was taken. I think we might be getting this one!" I sent Jay a text teasing him that we would get a placement on the one day of the month he was out of town for training.

Three hours and a few minutes after the first call, I had a tiny baby boy in my arms. I quickly handed him over to my support friend K, and started signing my life away. I promise: selling a house requires less paperwork! I signed form after form after form, all in triplicate. One set for me; one for our agency; one for CPS. Then, there were the separate forms for our agency and CPS didn't need a copy of those, so they were only in doubles. Then the detailed account of what the child brought with him to the foster home. An hour after CPS showed up on my step with the baby, they all left; I was a mom for the first time. What a heady experience.

That first night I remember calling my mom and asking why the baby might be crying. We had all those follow up appointments that a mom with a newborn has. People everywhere had lots of questions and I had no answers.

We were told that this baby had older siblings in care (meaning in a different foster home) and that the other FPs were deciding if they could handle an additional child. We were warned that we might not get to keep him long. We were ok with that. God asked us to give this child a home and we were willing to do that for however long he needed one.

A week turned into two. Then three. Then a month. Then two. The other FPs didn't want feel they could care for the new baby because of the other children in their home. We started settling in for the long haul.

The phone rings. It's our caseworker with CPS. It's her usual weekly call, so I'm not concerned. Then she tosses out, "Oh and you knew that a kinship placement has come forward? We think the baby might move there."

I could have collapsed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The world was still spinning. I would be ok. For the next few weeks, I bawled as I fed that baby. I would sing his favorite songs sweetly and whisper in a tear-choked voice, "Don't forget us. Don't forget we will always love you."

I knew his leaving was a possibility. We had signed on with an agency that fully supports reunification (re-uniting with BPs) above everything else. If reunification isn't possible, then we support a Kinship Placement. Last, and only as a final result, do we adopt as FPs.

But it hurt! This was *my* baby. I had been through so much with him!

I breathed deeply. I gave him back to God. I trusted.

Then the day came. We were afforded the rare opportunity to actually drive the baby to his new home. I sat on the Kinship Parent's couch, fed him a bottle, sang one last lullaby, rocked him to sleep, got in the car, and drove away.  My heart broke into a million pieces. I walked around our house and it felt empty. I put away all the baby gear except his bed. Then, I took a nap.

The next couple of days were a blur. I remember asking God to help me; to hold me up. I asked God for people like Moses had who would hold up my arms because I didn't have the strength. Instead, God whispered sweetly to my soul. He soothed my pain, washed away my questions.

He did the impossible: He prepared my heart for a new child. Not 48 hours after I gave up "my" baby,  I was excited about the possibility of what our new foster child would be like. Would we get a little girl this time? What race would the child be? How old? What color hair? What quirks?

Sunday morning I ran to my friend K and said, "Is it weird that I'm so excited about what child God will let us love next?" She said with teary eyes, " I was walking through the baby section yesterday and seeing all those cute toys and thought that Sunni needs a little girl about 18 months old because these toys are so cute!"

I would love to end the story there (as this post is already long), but I can't.

Jay and I had decided that we needed a 2 week break to reconnect as a couple and to really love on Creative Monkey. Jay also had business that took us to a tourist town in our state. We used that time to relax. While we were on our mini-working vacation we got a call from our CPS worker about a child that needed a home. We couldn't take that child because we were out of town and the child needed something that night.

I have never been more glad that I couldn't take a child than I was when the phone rang about a week later. (Notice how much the phone ringing changes my life? Please don't be upset if I say "I have to take this call." It really might be a life-changing call!) It was the baby's "Kinship Mom". She was having difficulty with a few things. I talked with her for several hours that day. Then, I called our agency and got some advice. The result of that call was that we got to babysit the baby and his big sister for the weekend to give the Kinship Placement a break.

Four days later, Silly Monkey and his big sister Tutu Monkey were back in our home...for good. We legally became their foster parents 21 days after I gave "my baby" up.

God's plan is bigger than our own. I truly learned about the sovereignty of God that month. If you walk away saying "that's a sweet story", you miss the bigger picture. God used that pain to bring about something so beautiful I can't even describe it. He taught me, a Bible College graduate, what it TRULY means to "trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't trust your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5, paraphrased) God is absolutely in control. He will sustain you! That is why one of His many names is

Emmanuel, meaning God with us!

Meet the Foster World Cast

I have so many amazing things I would love to share with all of you, but I don't really want to have to explain acronyms in every single post. Nor do I want to get side-tracked explaining each facet of the system. My solution? This post and a couple more that explain things that non-fostering people might not know.

Today I will introduce you to an entire cast of "characters" (some are actually organizations) who play a vital part in every step of the fostering and adoption process. I will do my best to explain each cast member's role (as I understand it) and use adoption friendly language, as well.

Foster child- a child (or children) who has been removed from their living environment for their own safety. This child can be moved to live in a kinship placement, foster home, group home, or shelter. Where the foster child is moved to is often called a "placement". Sometimes the children themselves are called "placements". The actual legal process of moving a child is called "placing" a child in a new home.

Biological Parents/ Birth Parents/ Bio-parents- the man and woman who conceived and bore a child (or children). When referred to in  fostering lingo, they have made bad choices and had their children removed from the home. They still retain their legal rights as a parent--but in a very limited and supervised way. When it is safe for the child(ren), they get supervised visits. BPs are consulted concerning elective procedures, hair cuts, and many other decisions. Ultimately (before parental rights are terminated or relinquished) they are still the parent. After adoption, BPs are still referred to as such, though they no longer have any parental rights.

DFPS and CPS- In our state, Division of Family and Protective Services works to keep the children safe. They have many departments. We work very closely with one particular department called CPS (Child Protective Services). CPS can be further divided:
     Investigators- these are the people who go out to the home to evaluate the situation and investigate allegations of neglect and/or abuse. They take their findings to a judge who decides what to do from there. If a judge deems it necessary, investigators, often accompanied by law enforcement officers, will remove the child(ren) from the home.
     Caseworkers- after a family enters "the system", a caseworker will work with the BPs to meet their action plan, supervise visits, and consult on elective decisions concerning the children. Caseworkers also check to make sure the foster child is safe, being cared for, and getting what s/he needs.
There are too many facets of CPS to explain them all here. I've only listed the two that we deal with regularly.

CASA- CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. Many CASA personnel are volunteers. Their role is to look at all the possibilities for the child and recommend to the court which is in the best interest for the child.CASA will come into the foster home to check on the children and sometimes attend important medical appointments. CASA will also go into the BPs' home to talk with them about the situation and check on how the BPs are progressing toward making the home safe for the children to return.

GAL- A Guardian Ad Litem is often appointed to foster children. The GAL's responsibility is much like CASA's. The GAL is appointed by the court. In our county, most GALs are CASA representatives.

Attorney- Each foster child has an attorney that represents him/her and his interests in court.

Court- Judges who make decisions affecting the foster child. Also, any court appointments in front of said judge.

Agency- In our state, CPS does not license foster homes. Instead, they work in conjunction with private agencies to screen, train, license, and keep foster homes on their toes. A foster home's agency is their only ally in this long list of organizations involved in the case. While the agency really wants what is best for the children as well, their primary goal is to make sure the foster home is in compliance with all the laws and rules and that the foster parents have all the support they need.

Kinship Placement- A family member, friend, or other person close to the child or BPs that will voluntarily take a child into their home. Kinship homes can be a teacher, coach, scout leader, friend, neighbor, Sunday School teacher.

Foster Home/Foster Family- This is a home and family who have been trained in how to deal with all the "characters" in this list, and how to deal with the trauma and behaviors of the children. They are unrelated to the children or BP (in most cases) and typically foster because they love children. Foster Parents are required to live by a long list of rules that typical parents find hard to understand. They must keep their home ready to be viewed by any of the above agencies (with exception to Kinship Placements). Jay says that being a FP is like running a small business because of the sheer number of appointments to schedule and paperwork to fill out.

I think that is all. If I am reminded of anything else, I'll edit the list. :)